The Narcissist Web
Overall, I would like to believe I am a good judge of character, but only when I actually LISTEN to myself. I have spent my career relying on my instincts and gut reactions combined with my schooling to guide me when making emergent clinical decisions. My critical thinking skills and ability to calmly navigate a crisis situation have helped me get through some extremely traumatic experiences relatively unscathed. I have worked in both psychiatric and medical emergency rooms for over 20 years and people have asked how I am able to separate myself from the horrors I witnessed. My answer is simple: It is not my trauma. My patients and their families need me to be strong to guide them during their most vulnerable times. I can easily quiet my own feelings regarding an incident so those in crisis can receive whatever they need from me. I stifle any emotional attachment I have to a situation and when my shift is done I do my best to leave all the pain behind me.
However, this type of emotional shedding leaves a person raw and exposed to the world in ways a narcissist can spot a million miles away. Many of us who work in mental health and the medical profession are empaths by nature and those who have not been able to harness these gifts can become emotionally overwhelmed in their career path. Fortunately, I recognized early on that the only way I would be able to provide the care that others so desperately needed was to compartmentalize my feelings. I was able to completely dedicate myself to the care of my patients, but at the end of the day I desperately wanted someone else to share the caretaking for me in my personal life.
I was a single, independent woman, who owned her own home, had a successful career, was in the process of paving the way for an even better career, and a large network of supportive friends. I stepped into the dating arena completely blinded to the idea that my attributes were exactly the kind of features a covert narcissist is looking for. The empaths of the world often emerge clueless to the fact there are those who actually feed off of our energy. They have weaved their web in hopes of capturing a person that has all of the characteristics that they are lacking. Where the empath gives hope, the narc will cast doubt and fear. Where the empath gives love, the narc will give pain and hatred. Where the empath sees a person in need, the narc will see weakness and turn a blind eye. Where the empath sees growth and understanding, the narc will see stagnation and judgment. The empath is the gray that the narc has never been able to see in their life. The empath will then drain themselves of every last bit of hope, positivity, and silver lining while the narc spins their web more tightly around their body and soul.
If you have ever had a fight with a covert narc it will leave your head spinning and if you are an empath, feeling like you have lost a piece of your soul. You have likely spent hours trying to convince them that you were not saying things to hurt them, had to repeat yourself a thousand times, and walked away behaving like the person that they accuse you of being. I would often leave (break free from the web) just so I could get some strength back and mental clarity. However, to the covert narc who feeds off of the fight, you are simply retreating and running away. In the same conversation with a stable adult, both parties would be able to recognize the need for a time out and would respect each others boundaries. Covert narcs lack all boundaries or ability to comprehend their partners desire to disengage in order to diffuse the situation. The narc sees the partner leaving as a form of abandonment even though it was their own bad behavior that drove their partner away. The inability for the narc to take responsibility then comes into play and they start the blame game all over again.
Gaslighting, feigning forgetfulness of why the fight even started, or love bombing will inevitably bring the empath back to the web. While they are attempting to defend against accusations of being judgmental and controlling the narc continues to strengthen their grip on the prey. This pattern will repeat for months and sometimes years until either the prey dies or they get enough strength to stay away once they break free. It took me five years to finally be able to recognize the pure insanity of the “relationship” I was desperately trying to save. In all honesty, there was never a real relationship between two grown adults who upheld the fundamental principles of a couple: respect, love, and trust.
Covert narcs inherently can not trust because they themselves are untrustworthy. They hide aspects of their life and when you attempt to peel back these layers, they will lash out in rage. They will claim that you never took the time to actually get to know them even though you spent years doing just that. The reality is that they loathe the person that resides deep within them, but they will cast all of these insecurities out on the empath. They will attempt to sabotage your successes, blame you for never apologizing or taking responsibility, claim you spread lies to the world about them, and always say that if you would just “move on and let things go” then everything would be perfect. Their own feelings of inadequacy and perceived failures in life become your faults and if you could only fix yourself then the relationship would have a chance to succeed.
If you don’t believe me, look back through your letters or texts with a covert narc. I did and the truth of the situation smacked me hard in the face. Starting just 1 month into the relationship I was already asking him to stop calling me psycho when I expressed an emotion. RED FLAG!!!! Two years later, I found another letter where I said the EXACT same thing and even pointed out that if he spoke to his daughter or mother the way he spoke to me they would disown him. Yet, to his future bride, he could pelt me with every curse word under the sun and blame me for “not getting out of my way so I called you a c***.” The signs are always there and if we look back after emerging from their web of lies, deception, love bombing, and gaslighting we can see the reality of the situation. Covert narcs are simply poisonous spiders that cast a web with hopes of catching an empath that they can feast upon until they find a new supply. My best advice is the first time you see their true colors, RUN, and NEVER go back!!!
