I haven’t written in awhile and perhaps it is because I thought with time I would not need to. I left him almost 11 months ago and last communicated about 2 months back. The final pieces of what belonged to whom has been settled and now there is a future full of possibilities for me. So why do I still find myself feeling like I left yesterday? Like the wounds repeatedly keep ripping open while I am simply trying to move around in my new life. I am supposed to just stay stagnant and allow them to fester and ooze with all of the pain and bitterness I feel? What is the right move because I would love someone to tell me exactly how this torment is expected to end. I am tired of hearing how this pain will help me take care of my patients better. You know what? I was pretty damn good before this all happened and I am sure I would have been just as empathetic as I am now. So that is simply a cop out people say when they don’t know how else to respond. Also, if I hear “this will make you a stronger person someday” from anyone else I am going to scream. Guess what world? I was a really strong person when I met him and I had worked years to deal with the proverbial u-hauls of baggage we bring to each relationship. I was good then. That person I once was. The one I can’t seem to find anymore. The one who did the worst thing in the world which was to fall in love with a covert narcissist.
It didn’t happen because I didn’t love myself enough. It didn’t happen because I have unresolved parental trauma. It didn’t happen because I wasn’t smart or intuitive because without those skills I wouldn’t be able to do the job I do everyday. It happened because I trusted someone to be gentle with my heart. I trusted a man at his word. When he told me he would always love and care for me I had no reason not to believe him. He knew how to switch his love on and off so quickly I never saw the truth behind his lies. Just when I would start to question my own sanity he would flip the script and we would be right back into our Hollywood romance. During those moments, you could not find a happier woman on the face of this planet. Every night I would say my thank you prayers to God and all my angels who I thought had brought this amazing gift of a human being into my life. I never took what I had for granted and I did my best to make sure he and his children knew just how precious they were to me.
I wish I could say those feelings were reciprocated but if they were I guess I wouldn’t be writing this would I? I wouldn’t be sitting here almost a year later examining 5 years of a relationship trying to figure out where exactly I went wrong in all of it. What did I do to make him hate me so much? Did I not take care of my body enough to keep him attracted to me? He did mention that right after I left. Was I not kind enough to his children? He brought up how I had never done anything for them after I left too. Was I simply just not good enough overall? Maybe that would explain why he kept calling me a POS and all the degrading things I heard over the years. But if it was really how he felt then why propose to start with? Why pretend you wanted to share your life with me if you thought I was so awful. I would have walked away years ago and he could have found someone else who was a better woman. Why take me to hell when I had just spent so many years crawling out of it?
I don’t know exactly what it is I am trying to convey at this time. I just know I have never felt this utterly consumed and hopeless at the same time. I spend every waking moment I am not working reliving years of memories- the good and the bad. I can’t stop the tape from playing. Every time I look at my phone there is the hope.. maybe it is from him. Then silence. Return to reality. It is over and it was the best and the worst time of my life. It is amazing how intertwined those feelings are. I truly did have such amazing memories with him. He just got me in a way no other human being ever has. Now I am learning this was part of the game. How sick does one human have to be to make love into a game? I have seen some very sick people throughout my career and heard some horrific stories of abuse. However, the patients who seem to struggle the most are those with a history of emotional abuse. I have also experienced other types as well during my life, but the mental roller coaster I just rode for the past 5 years has impacted me more than anything I have ever experienced.
I am blown away at the power he still has over my thoughts and emotions. He is a dark shadow who lives at the foot of my bed. Every night he waits for me to wake so he can crawl onto my shoulder and haunt my days. It is like I am living my life through his eyes and all I hear are judgements and disgust about who I have become. I have lost the self esteem I worked tirelessly to build up. I have lost my trust in myself and others. I no longer look forward to things which once brought me joy. Although to the outside world I look like I am doing great. I have a wonderful career that I love and friends who are loving and supportive. Yet, inside I don’t feel any of the joy I once had for life. Is it depression? Actually it isn’t. I don’t meet the clinical definition for it at this time ironically enough.
What I feel is so much deeper than depression anyway. I described my pain as if someone is doing surgery on me without anesthesia. Like I have been cut stem to stern and my organs are being removed in order to expose just my nerves and emotions. Those get to sit on the surface, exposed to the air and the elements. Imagine a full body toothache 24/7 365 days a year. And even this description only illuminates a portion of how I feel. The only comfort I get is knowing those who have actually experienced loving and losing a narcissist can understand what I am trying to convey. And I am not talking about those people who casually dated one and got manipulated for a little while. I am talking about the people who actually lived with these people, shared their lives with them, helped raise kids together and planned futures together. You are the ones who understand. Everyone else can try to get it but fortunately for them, they don’t. I honestly I hope they never do. This is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Except maybe him. I would like him to have just a little bit of what I go through every single day. Maybe not forever, but at least for a little while so he can feel the pain he has caused. But… since he is a narc, he wouldn’t feel it anyway. As we all know, they are sans feelings which makes the crap they do roll off their back like water off a duck. They just stroll back out into the world looking for their next victim while those they left behind get to piece back a shattered version of who they once were. Perhaps with the passing of the years these wounds will heal and this will all be a distant memory. I look forward to one day waking up and being able to kick the shadow in the face and tell him to go find another shoulder to crawl onto. Or better yet, go to hell and never come back.